The list nobody publishes
Things we do not do
A list of what a business does not offer is more useful than most of what it does, and almost nobody publishes one. Here is ours, with where to look instead.
Things we do not do, including one we are not permitted to. We do not offer night care, and could not — it requires its own separate Health Code permit which we do not hold. We do not take sick children, we do not collect from schools, we do not run a minibus, we do not employ a speech therapist or an occupational therapist, we do not tutor, and we do not offer a premium curriculum tier because there is only one curriculum here. Where you need one of those, we will tell you what it is actually called and where in this borough to look for it.
Every nursery has a boundary and most of them let you find it by accident, usually after enrolment and usually at an inconvenient moment. The commercial logic is obvious: a family who has not yet discovered the limit is a family who has not yet ruled you out.
We would rather lose the enquiry. What follows is the actual list, and where each item genuinely sits, so that a family who needs one of these things can go and find it rather than discovering in week three that we were the wrong answer.
Night care, which we are not permitted to provide
Night child care requires its own separate permit under Article 47. We do not hold one, so this is not a preference we could change by deciding to — it would be operating outside our permit.
This is worth carrying with you as a general test. Separate permits exist for infant and toddler care, for children aged two through five, and for night care. A centre offering overnight cover on the same permit as its daytime programme is worth asking a direct question about.
Families needing overnight or shift-pattern cover are usually better served by a licensed home-based provider or by an individual carer, and the arrangements differ substantially in how they are regulated. That difference is worth understanding before you choose.
Care for a child who is unwell
We are not a setting for a child too unwell for their usual arrangement. There is no sick room here, and an adult sitting with one child is an adult removed from a ratio somewhere else.
Backup care exists for a childcare arrangement that has failed, which is a different problem — a childminder who cancelled, a school that closed, a grandparent who is away. A well child whose usual plan collapsed is exactly who that service is for.
Specialist sick-child services exist and are staffed for it. We are not in a position to recommend specific providers from a demonstration site, but the category is real and it is what to search for.
Transport, in any form
We do not collect from schools and we do not run a minibus. Our before-and-after-school programme is for children whose adults bring them here, which realistically means the schools within walking distance.
This rules us out for a good number of school-age families and we would rather say so on a website than in a meeting. If pick-up is what you need, an after-school programme attached to the school itself is usually the better structure.
Nor do we take children off site during the day beyond walking to the two nearest parks, with written permission and at ratio. There are no coaches, no trips out of the neighbourhood and no outings that need a vehicle.
Therapy, assessment and diagnosis
We do not employ a speech and language therapist, an occupational therapist or a physical therapist, and nobody here is qualified to assess or diagnose a child. What we do is observe closely, write it down, and raise a concern with you early.
Where a child needs assessment, the route in this city is Early Intervention for under-threes and the Committee on Preschool Special Education from three, both of which are free public services. We will point you at them and support what a plan asks of us in the room.
What we will not do is take a place and then find we cannot meet a child's needs. That is why the conversation about a plan happens before enrolment, in detail, with the plan actually in front of us rather than described.
Tutoring, enrichment tiers and the rest
There is one curriculum here and everybody gets it. We do not sell a premium tier, an accelerated track or an enrichment package, and we do not bring in an outside provider to run a class you are invoiced for separately.
That is a deliberate commercial choice as well as an educational one. Enrichment tiers are profitable precisely because they make a parent feel that the standard offer is the lesser one, and a nursery should not be selling parents relief from an anxiety it created.
We also do not tutor, do not prepare children for any assessment or admissions process, and do not teach reading to under-fives, which has its own page and its own argument.
Things we deliberately do not claim
No accreditation. Programme accreditation is held by real, listed settings and is checkable on a public register; this is a fictional nursery and claiming one would attach an invention to a real body's name.
No permit number, no licence number and no real telephone number — all placeholders, for the same reason and stated wherever they appear.
And no outcome claims. You will not find a school-readiness percentage, a satisfaction score or a graduate statistic anywhere on this site, because a fictional nursery has no data and a real one quoting those numbers is usually quoting its own survey.
In order
How this works in practice
Ask any nursery what it does not do
The answer, and how readily it comes, tells you more than the list of services will. A director who has thought about the boundary will have one ready.
Check the permit covers what you are being offered
Separate permits exist for infant and toddler care, for two to five, and for night care. This is the easiest mismatch for a parent to catch unaided.
Separate backup care from sick care
A well child whose arrangement collapsed and an unwell child are different problems with different providers. Conflating them wastes everybody's morning.
Raise a plan before enrolling, not after
Bring the IEP or IFSP itself. A place accepted and then found unworkable is far worse for a child than a difficult conversation in advance.
Be wary of enrichment tiers
A premium curriculum implies the standard one is lacking. Ask what is in the base offer and whether the extra is delivered by staff who work there.
Questions we are actually asked
Things we do not do — frequently asked
Do you offer overnight or night care?
No, and we are not permitted to. Night child care requires its own separate permit under Article 47 which we do not hold. A centre offering overnight cover on the same permit as its daytime programme is worth asking a direct question about.
Will you collect my child from school?
No. We run no transport of any kind, so our before-and-after-school programme works for children whose adults bring them to us, which realistically means the schools within walking distance. An after-school programme attached to the school is usually a better fit otherwise.
Do you have a speech therapist on staff?
No. We do not employ any therapist and nobody here can assess or diagnose. We observe, we write it down, and we raise concerns early — and the referral routes we point at are Early Intervention for under-threes and the Committee on Preschool Special Education from three, both free public services.
Can you take a child with an IEP or IFSP?
Frequently yes, at no supplement, but the conversation happens before enrolment with the plan in front of us rather than described on the phone. What would be unfair to a child is accepting a place and then discovering we cannot meet what the plan asks.
Is there a premium or accelerated programme?
No. There is one curriculum and every child gets it. Enrichment tiers work by making the standard offer feel like the lesser one, and we would rather not be in the business of selling parents relief from an anxiety we created.
Tuesday and Thursday mornings, while the children are here
Come and see the room
A tour here happens during a session, in the room your child would actually be in, at the time of day they would be in it. You meet the person who leads that room rather than only the director, and you see the noise and the mess that are genuinely there. It takes an hour. If your child is three or four we will ask whether you have applied for free 3-K or Pre-K for All before we quote you a rate, because a good many families should not be paying us at all.